Still More Lessons In Waiting

In case you were wondering if we'd had the babe yet, we haven't. I guess I will be at 42 weeks this Friday. We woke up this morning and Geoff said, "I think it's going to be this week!" I dearly hope so. His hope is strong. I, on the other hand, am done guessing. Done with the false starts. I think I need an epidural so I can stop guessing if active labor is beginning, have it wear off just when I'm starting to really roll, really dilate. Okay, Labor, show me what you got-- you elusive and tricky thing. My sis assures me that my bod has NOT forgotten how to labor and that it will let me know what it needs to do.

Last night, Geoff built this huge fire, such that we were down to our T's before the first commercials. I watched the show careful to watch the reactions of disappointment. I had never been so fixated on this. Watching the divided screen when they were opening the envelope and then the way the non-winners reacted. The blinky, flustered look. The trying to look really dignified and not shocked with disappointment. I thought it was artful-- how to handle this, with so many people watching. My month-long project in disappointment has has so many phases-- can I put my head in the oven now moments, hole up in the house and don't speak to anyone moments, jamming God's inbox with whiny squeaky prayers about patience. I want to learn to have dignity and still be desparate for supernatural healing and transformation. To have a hunger for "the lesson" in all of this even while I go about the day's business of nursery school pickup and standing in line at the food co-op.

Anyway, more lessons for myself in case this I am ever in this situation of over-gestating: Do not wear convalescing clothes-- shower and dress for every day to do the work of waiting and being a mother to this family. ::Throw yourself into the minutiae-- I went to the yarn store and bought three skeins of yarn, got a crash-crochet tutorial from Genevieve and have made 1.5/3 scarves for the kids. Very gratifying to send Manny out into the snow with a new green scarf in this gorgeous plump German wool. :::Enjoy things that I won't be able to do for a while-- I made a beautiful risotto last night, something a little more tedious than I usually have time for.::: Talk to the kids-- yesterday, I pulled the boys aside and wanted to repent to them about how I have really been harsh and full of orders rather than love. How I have been less interested in playing with them and obsessing over wear they stow wet boots. Benici's response was, "But Mom, yes you do play with us! Remember when you drew heat vision for my penguin?" Manny's was, "Mom, I can forgive you." Little Margot and I skipped church and watched Gilmore Girls. She nursed and napped while I crocheted. I'm trying to have my aperture thrown wide to notice these cozy, juicy moments.