The Gut Is Right

Manny's got Lyme's. In June, we found a tick in his ear. I saved it in a tiny glass jar and they said it was not a deer tick. in July, he had a rash over his left breast. Alarmed at its proximity to the heart, I took him in, and nothing was found. Mid-October, he's got joint pain and a swollen elbow. He told us and the ER over and over again that he was not injured. That his elbow just hurt. He was right, it was from the inside. His body at war with the disease, doing battle in his joints.

With kid-illness, with other things in mothering, I keep finding that the gut is right on. Anne Lamott writes about seeing things out of the corners of your eyes, vigilant for the broad strokes, the larger shapes, the general tone and sense of things-- is this a safe idea, is this a good scene for us, is this the best we can do? Generally looking this way, I can do well when I tune into these instincts.

My Mom reminded me to consider The Sorrowful Mysteries of Mary: The Agony in the Garden, The Scourging at the Pillar, the Crowning with Thorns, The Carrying of the Cross and the Crucifixion. I have never understood those until now. I can see Mary, tempted to be like "GOD, WTF??? Here's this child you gave me, this creature you put in my charge, I do not understand him much less what you are doing with him!" I can see Mary, sweeping sawdust, wanting to shake her fist and beat her bed with a broom. It all could be seen as one huge cruel joke or as a sanctifying and loving process that brings God into a sharp and clear focus. I think Mary could have chosen to go on Adavan or to tune into the power of what was happening with her child. And be present for him, even if her stomach turned with grief.

I think I have Sorrowful Mysteries for all four of my kids: Calliope: The Unnecessary Hype Around Her Birth, the Slow Weight Gain, and the Time I Left Her Alone Outside. Clara: My Unwise Choice of Midwife, The Eczema, and How The Hell We'll Afford Kindergarten. Benicio: That I Can't Stomach When He Gets Favored Over Manny and So I Just Keep them Both Home and That He Does Not Share His Feelings. Manny: The Epidural, The ADD,The Lyme's, the Repeated Grade. The parsing is tiresome-- God, why him? And what should we be learning here? Why is this child suffering? What strength does this suffering reveal in him?

Oh, it's all so weird. Manny's on his antibiotics, it seems to help. They say it is now much better researched and that he will be over it soon. Something about tiny bugs penetrating the bubble of safety around our kids makes me sick with grief. I want to invite that tick in and examine his cosmic purpose in our life and also I feel violent toward it. I thought it was something like this, not a broken elbow. But like Mary, I pause to appreciate the Sorrowful Mystery.