feeling the gravity

In the year my father turned 70, in the year that our church unravelled like a cheap sweater, and in the year that our first child encountered numerous learning challenges, I have come to a clear crossroads. I am drawn moth-like to the road of bitterness and cynicism. The attitude of blame-shifting, of anger, of general self-sorrow and private rage. Listening to other people, the shutters of my heart close, I see their struggles as weak or lame, my eyes glaze over and I check out. The numb stupor acts as a wall and there is an odd sense of safety. Just reading this I realize that these aren't devastating problems, the ones listed in my first sentence. And yet, they are the precipitating events that have led me to exactly this point.

The other road, however, is the "BUT GOD" road. This is the road I want to take. The one that I have to practice wanting to take. It is the attitude of openness. Awaiting the serendipitous, miraculous things that God brings and does in my life every day. It is preaching to myself the sermon of service to the marginalized, love for the poor, the soothing call of the Beatitudes-- that the underdog will win the day, that the forgotten and lost will be found, that the world's priorities are upside-down. It is pushing myself through the yogic stations of patience in discomfort, pausing to acknowledge the fear, and persevering when I'm flat-out beat.

When we were in PR for our anniversary, I fell in love with paddle-surfing. When there are no strong waves, you take this huge, rubber-lined surf board and a kayak oar. You go out past where the waves would break and you stand up and paddle. Counter- to the surfing impulse, you are supposed to stand up completely straight in order to stay balanced. Our instructor, Jose, would say, "Vamo!" and motion for us to follow him. I did not have time to calculate my balance, my risk of falling, my fear of looking silly. He kept inviting us further out. He invited us out, maybe 200 yards to see these caves. I was giddy and laughing at the view. Jose said to Geoff, "She's found her inner Polynesian goddess." But that wasn't it at all. I felt like Peter out with Jesus. And every time I looked at my feet, without fail, I wavered. Every time I set my eyes on the view, things ahead, Geoff's words, Jose's instruction, I cruised through the water like it were a kayak. My kids studied this passage today at VBS, and I have been thinking about it nonstop. I know, I'm switching metaphors-- divergent paths or Peter on the water, but for me the struggle is the same.

I think I will forever wrestle over these things, my fear around my parents' mortality, where our family should worship, Manny's studies. How do I look at these things without navel-gazing or numbing myself to the gravity?

P.S. I post this to document this for later, for me after God and time have brought us through these things but also for the kids to see how these things get parsed.

Homegirl Got Velocity

I was getting dressed to see friends after dinner. Clara (from the bathroom) says, "Mom, come show me you."

Wearing an embroidered Mexican frock, jeans and sandals, I twirl and appear before her. She says,

"Okay, the bottom looks bad."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, sometimes people wear pants with something beautiful at the bottom. And that looks good, like my roses leggings. But not you, right now."

"Really? I feel pretty good. I feel pretty comfy and good just like this."

"Okay, no, you look good. You look good because your sandals have something pretty on the strap there."

Then I proceeded to wipe her and help her wash her hands. Flummoxed and self-suspicious by the comments of my three year-old.

Arithmetic for My Evening

Nostalgic visit from Clara's baby group buds + inspired and awaited phone conversation+ a good deep cry + a contemplative and restorative yoga class - chore stress- shutting the door on my fear of appearances and people-pleasing= a centered and worshipful soul and a super-relaxed body that I am so proud to inhabit.

A Dream Job

would be getting to name the colors. All those colors, just the sheer number.

Gifts Our Mountain Trip Gave Us

-I discovered a lot of abilities I didn't know I had: driving four kids up there, taking field trips, handling toads,carrying kids to the car in ankle-deep pounding rain, driving the dark mountain roads at night.
-staying up late with just my sis--laughing about our kids, our husbands, and our kooky family.
-our kids putting on swim caps and flippers to venture to the deep end, Becky and I scrambling for the cameras.
-late night calls from Geoff reminiscent of Pittsburgh circa 1997.
-observing cousin-play and over-hearing Larry, "It's Dodge Ball. You're gonna be kinda mean."
-painting my neices nails to look like soccer balls for the soccer-themed birthday party.
-eating soccer-ball cookie cake
-my neices and nephews who are becoming adolescents who still call me Aunt Mimi and kiss me on the lips like they did when they were little
-seeing our oldest neice's engagement ring in person
-seeing our kids manage the short hike to the pool and back

-eavesdropping on the kids' Bible quizzes with Mymom, "Do we count Judas as a disciple? Was Jesus' father Joseph or God?"
-for Manny: sometimes swimming without a life jacket, holding his own in a game of dodgeball with cousins, singing a Miley Cyrus song for Karaoke hour, perfecting his lip-sync routine, and at the end of a long day, the joys of taking a sauna.
-for Benicio:the gift of fire; magnifying glass+dry dead leaf, how to find shoes that are in your size at an outlet; he found Manny his school shoes by knowing his size and knowing what he'd like, playing an evening-long game of hide n' go seek wherein you could be found mischievously sharing gum in afore-mentioned sauna.
-for Clara: what she calls back-skipping (skipping backwards), pillow-floating independently in her life jacket, the game sharks and minnows, playing with the big cousins until her eyelids were so heavy that her eyes were crossing.
-for Callio: running wild and free on the sports field while her cousins and siblings chase her, on the pool steps and gripping the bannister with both hands and laying your head back and dipping just the very tip of her hair into the water, eating breakfast at a table for two with Andre and then playing for 45 minutes a game involving a purse full of monkeys and yarn and both of them being kitty cats, doing magic tricks with Big Dad.

-And when we arrived back home, the squeals and running into Geoff's arms was immense.

She Will Never Be a Vegetarian, I Guess.

I was snuggling with Clara and I asked her something I have never asked her before. I said, "Clara, where did you get that beautiful twinkle in your eyes?"

She shrugged her shoulders. I went on, "They are so bright and lovely. Come on, tell me, where did you get that twinkle?"

"No, I told you before."

"Where, Claresie, did you get it from God's love?" I asked.

"No. I'll tell you where I got it. I got it from meat."

synecdoche

Like Crate & Barrel and Room & Board, if our kids had their own synecdoche names for their lives right now:

Calliope: House-keys & Swimsuits
Clara: Headbands & Fragranced Markers
Benicio:Quarters & DS Negotiations
Manny: Diving Sticks & Dicing Veggies

home doings

-planted hibiscus in pots on the front steps. The flowers are big as the kids' faces.
-reading about discipline. St. Augustine, Siddartha Gautama and many other saints had privileged and induldged childhoods and then when confronted with the realities of suffering and injustice were totally flummoxed. I don't want our kids to think that they are the center of the universe. How do I do this??
-Benicio wants his own room so we are separating their belongings as if in a breakup: Manny: You can't take my yarn. Benicio: I will leave you Avatar books if you let me have the yarn.
-packing for our mountain trip next week
-thinking about friends who are due with babies in August, September, and October.
-Manny just came over and said, "The girl on the radio's name is Melissa Blog!"
-The triathlon came and went and this weary mama just could not pull it off. The extent of my athletic trifecta has been the events of being in and out of Shop Rite under 45 minutes, returning laundry to the dressers the same day I wash it, and biking to JOA mart with Clara on my bike.